The First Negative

We first started trying to conceive in August 2017. This decision did not come easy to us but we sat down and discussed it together. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 and through our relationship (and then marriage) we have learned so much about communication and being a team instead of thinking for ourselves. That lesson was a great gift to when it came time to talk about a serious subject such as, starting a family.

He was the one who brought it up first. I remember it clearly because I was so surprised. Of course we had talked about one day but in past conversations, we both didn't feel one-hundred percent ready. My stomach was in knots because I had recently thought of it myself but was honestly feeling very afraid in that moment. How could I not be? If I were pregnant, my body would not be mine anymore. I would live for another human being growing inside of me and then I have to go through the birth process, which honestly scared the crap out of me. I do not have a high pain tolerance. I told him that I wanted us to really think about this and talk it over before actually trying because this decision, was probably the biggest of our whole lives.

When I walked away from this initial conversation, I became obsessed with the thought of growing a sweet little baby inside of me. I watched videos, listened to podcasts, read articles, downloaded apps, the works. A few weeks after the conversation, I told him that I was ready too and we planned to give it a go.

After trying, I told my husband that I just knew I was pregnant that month. According to my Glow app, we had sex on the last day of my fertile window. Meaning the day after ovulation (according to the app) but who knows how accurate that really was. I was feeling cramps for days after sex, my back was aching and it was so painful to sleep. I was also very bloated for about 2-3 days after. Looking back, I think that I was just more aware of my body because I obviously wasn’t pregnant. Also, it’s possible that because it was my first time “not preventing” my body may have had some sort of reaction. We have spent our whole relationship preventing this, so I guess that's possible.

During my first two-week-wait, I was so positive, excited and optimistic. I really thought I just had to be pregnant. Looking back, I was naive and did not realize how much truly goes into trying to conceive.

During my first month, I probably took 10 pregnancy tests. I took one 7 days after ovulation, 11 days after ovulation and then every day until my period from then on. To say that I had high hopes would be an understatement. I didn’t even have the thought in my head that there was a possibility that I wasn’t pregnant.

I remember when my period came because I was at work. I was feeling some cramps but I didn’t think anything of it because I had cramps on and off all month. I went to the restroom to, you guessed it, go to the bathroom and I saw that my period at started. I was very devastated. That first negative is nothing compared to how I've felt the months that followed but it really impacted me because this was the moment that I realized just how bad I wanted this. I thought I wanted it but after feeling the disappointment, I knew that I needed to get pregnant. I now wanted so badly to feel life growing inside of me.

I’ve lived a lot of my life living by the rule “don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed” but I seemed to forget my rule during this whole experience because I got my hopes way high. Since the first month, I’ve tried my hardest to NOT let my high hopes get me down. It’s ok to be excited and hopeful but at the same time, I must be realistic. The chances of me NOT being pregnant are much higher than the chances that I am actually pregnant.

To some up my first negative, it was heartbreaking. I started to imagine this little life and what the next nine months could look like and it was just taken from me and I think that feeling will stick with me for awhile. Well, that’s just the beginning to my story. Although it’s not a tragic one, it is a disappointing one (thus far) but I am confident that the end result will be exactly what I’m hoping for. My wish is that you follow along with me for when it happens.