The End of Cycle Nine

As I am writing this, I am on cycle day two of my tenth cycle trying to conceive. Every month, it gets harder and harder to say what cycle I'm on but I will do everything that I can to stay positive but I'm not going to lie to you - the past few days have been really hard for me.

Monday, April 2nd, I took a cheap Easy @ Home pregnancy test. I was told that these are not very accurate and actually didn't show a positive until 8+ weeks pregnant which really scared me but since learning this, I had so many tests left over that I was basically just peeing on them constantly in an attempt to get rid of them (and not totally waste them). Well, I took a test around 8 p.m. on Monday and swore that I saw a SUPER faint line. So, I took a photo and used my special app to give the photo the "negative" filter. If you don't know, this can help clarify if there is in fact a line or not. IT SHOWED A FAINT HIGHLIGHTED LINE. My heart literally sank and I felt this feeling that I haven't gotten the opportunity to feel yet - excitement.

Although it was difficult, I did everything I could to not freak out and learn how to be patient. The next morning, I would run by Walmart before work and buy a pack of First Response Early Response pregnancy test. And I did just that. I wanted to use my first urine of the day but I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get my husband's lunch ready for the day and I wasn't going to leave the house for another 2 hours so I did what any other crazy (potentially) pregnant woman would do and poured the urine in an empty water bottle and brought it to Walmart with her around 7:45 a.m.

I tested with the FRER and again, saw the faintest line. Looking back, I honestly don't know if it was my eyes or if there was a line. It's honestly hard to know and for the life of me, I couldn't get a decent photo because I was always in bad lighting or I was shaking from anxiety. I saw a faint line on at least 2 tests that I took but took 4 tests total. 

Aunt Flo was set to come today, actually, but she arrived yesterday afternoon. I had taken a FRER that morning and didn't have a darker line - I'm honestly not even sure that a line was there at all. I had looked at so many tests at this point so my eyes were probably seeing lines everywhere. I went to the restroom at work and when I wipes, there was a small amount of pink on the toilet paper. I put my head in my hands and started to cry because I knew what this meant and even though I tried so hard to NOT get my hopes up - I started to plan my life based around the two tests that I thought I saw a faint line on. The spotting started very slow and was only when I wiped but a few hours later, it was very clear that Aunt Flo had arrived.

I cried all afternoon and that's hard for me to admit because I do everything I can to stay positive since starting this blog because I meet women who are dealing with much more than I am so I feel that my problems are small but this cycle - I let it all out. I cried to my husband for maybe the second time since we started trying to conceive and his response lifted all of the weight from my shoulders. I understand that our partners won't understand as much about this process because they aren't the ones truly experiencing the stress other than timed sex and knowing there is a negative test at the end of the cycle so in the past - I've kept my feelings to myself because I don't really know how to explain it. But I got both of our hopes up this month (another thing I feel horrible about) because I explained to him that a faint line was a positive and that it should get darker over the next few days. And that didn't happen. I cried and cried over what I thought was going to be our month and after taking some time to dwell on the fact that I'm not pregnant, I've picked myself up and we are gearing up to try again.

I bought a bunch of stuff off of Amazon and am coming up with my plan for the month. I have to keep my head up because being negative and upset does nothing but slow me down. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Thank you for reading this long blog post - I wanted to explain why I didn't update you all sooner. 

I have some great blog posts coming up this month for you! Also, if you weren't already aware, Dreaming of Diapers & Dimples is now a PODCAST! I put all of the links below, click on which you'd like to listen on (or go to my PODCAST page on my website) and please subscribe, download the episode and leave a nice 5-star review so I can get some really great guests for you!

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Thank you, Dreamers! Have a great weekend.